The UNSEEN STRUGGLE: Time pressure and Anxiety

In my holistic counselling practice I have recently dealt with young people feeling significant pressure to “have it all together” by the time they hit their early twenties. From the outside, it seems like everyone else is achieving their dreams, securing a successful career and ticking off milestones with ease. This perceived timeline can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and anxiety, especially when life doesn’t seem to follow the “expected” path.

But what if we took concept of time away? What if we didn’t measure our worth based on ticking off boxes or achieving certain goals or expectations by a certain age? This shift in perspective could transform how we experience anxiety, self-worth and our identity.

The Pressure of Time and Its Impact on Self-Worth

At a young age, many are led to believe that life should be neatly organised and “sorted” by our early twenties. College degrees, successful careers, relationships, how far you’ve traveled and a sense of independence are often seen as benchmarks for success. The pressure to achieve these things can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re still navigating the complex process of discovering who you truly are.

This pressure isn’t just external - it’s also internalised. The fear of “wasting time” or not meeting these milestones can eat away at our mental health, making us feel like failures. It can lead to feelings of being trapped, lost, confused or behind, especially when we compare our lives to others. Social media only amplifies this effect, showing curated versions of success while leaving out the struggles and setbacks that are a natural part of the journey.

The Illusion of Time Pressure: Where Does It Come From?

The pressure to have everything figured out at a young age is not just a product of modern-day culture. While external influences like social media and societal expectations play a significant role, there are deeper roots at play. One possible explanation lies in ancestral or evolutionary drives - our ancestors may have experienced life with a clear sense of urgency. In times of survival, having a purpose and achieving goals within a certain time frame was crucial for survival, and this urgency could be embedded in our DNA.

Additionally, the rise of comparison is a major contributor to the anxiety young people face today. We live in a world where we’re constantly bombarded with images of others “achieving” what we perceive as success, making us feel as though we must also do the same. The comparison trap fosters feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, pushing us to think that our worth is determined by how much we’ve accomplished in a given time.

The Energetic Connection to Anxiety

Our identity can seem intrinsically connected to the pressure we feel regarding time and achievement. The way we see ourselves - our self-worth, purpose and role in the world - shapes how we experience anxiety. Developing a sense of identity is a complex, ongoing process influenced by our family, friends, society and our own internal reflections and thought forms.

The Foundations of Identity

Our sense of identity starts forming early in life and continues to evolve as we navigate experiences and relationships. Childhood and early experiences with family create the initial framework for how we perceive ourselves. If we feel loved, secure and supported, we develop a strong sense of self-worth. If, on the other hand, we experience inconsistency, rejection or pressure, it can lead to confusion and insecurity about who we are.

As we grow older, peers, cultural influences and personal experiences continue to shape our identity. The roles we take on - whether it’s as a student, friend or partner - contribute to how we define ourselves. But when these roles or external expectations conflict with our inner desires, it creates an energetic imbalance that can manifest as anxiety. The fear of not “measuring up” or not meeting societal standards can lead to a constant questioning of self-worth.

The Energetic Connection Between Identity and Anxiety

When our identity is aligned with who we truly are, there’s a sense of inner peace. But when there’s a disconnect - whether through external pressures, comparison, confusion or lack of belief or trust in our own ability to respond - anxiety can arise. This internal conflict creates tension, as we feel pulled in different directions, unsure of our true selves or our place in the world. Tension and internal conflict of anxiety can show up in the body as shortness of breath, heart palpitations, diaphragm restriction of movement causing panic attacks, sweaty palms, inability to focus and dizziness, distracted racing mind, pains in the gut, reflux, digestive issues including both diarrhoea and constipation, painful, tight and cramping jaw and tight muscles around the neck in particular the scalenes, tension in the glutes, difficulty swallowing and dry mouth, criticism and inner judgement of self, trembling and shaking, insomnia and social withdrawal.

For example, someone who feels pressured to pursue a career path that doesn’t align with their passions may experience anxiety. This misalignment creates a disconnect between their true self and the role they’re expected to play, leading to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction and self-doubt. In this way, identity confusion becomes energetically draining, as it prevents the person from living authentically.

Reframing Time and Self-Worth: Embrace the Journey

The key to reducing anxiety related to time pressure lies in shifting our perspective on both time and self-worth. Instead of measuring our worth based on external accomplishments or societal milestones, we can focus on the value of the journey itself - the experiences, growth and lessons learned along the way.

Let Go of the “Race” and Embrace the Present Moment

Rather than focusing on reaching certain milestones by a certain age, consider embracing the idea that life is not a race - it’s an exploration and awareness journey. When we free ourselves from the constant need to meet external expectations, we create space to connect with our authentic selves. This shift can alleviate anxiety because we no longer tie our worth to achievements or time.

Mindfulness practices such as meditation, journaling and deep breathing, help us stay grounded in the present moment. They allow us to appreciate where we are in our journey and learn to trust that everything will unfold in its own time. By cultivating patience and self-acceptance, we reduce the pressure to “have it all together” by a certain age.  Engaging in relaxing massage or emotional release combined with psychosomatic therapy (the relationship of the mind activating the body and vice versa) can assist with being in the present moment and acknowledging and releasing belief patterns and emotions that have been suppressed or buried in the ‘unconscious’. These techniques are powerful when combined with talk therapy or counselling.

Embrace the Fluid Nature of Identity

Identity is not fixed. It’s fluid and ever-evolving. Embracing this idea allows us to let go of the notion that we have to have everything figured out and that it’s rigid or set forever. Life is about discovering who we are, what we love and what truly matters to us - often through trial and error. The experiences we gain along the way are just as valuable as the end result.

When we stop comparing ourselves to others and embrace our own path, we can release the anxiety that comes from trying to meet arbitrary deadlines for success. Self-worth is not tied to a specific achievement or timeline; it’s rooted in self-acceptance, growth and the ability to learn from both the highs and lows of the journey.

The Role of Self-Compassion and Self-Worth

A large part of anxiety surrounding time and identity comes from how we view ourselves. If we’re constantly striving for perfection or fearing that we’re “falling behind,” it’s easy to lose sight of our inherent value. Practicing self-compassion - being kind to ourselves (like we would treat a best friend), especially during moments of uncertainty, doubt or failure - can counteract the negative self-talk that fuels anxiety.

When we embrace the idea that it’s okay to not have everything figured out, our self-worth shifts from being achievement-based to being journey-based. This means recognising that we are valuable simply because we exist, not because of what we’ve accomplished. This is an internal job - tending to the light of worthiness and awareness with love, curiosity and practicality. Occasionally the light may need to be stoked in order to prevent it from dimming too low.

The Power of Patience and Acceptance

Lastly, we need to accept that our paths may not always align with societal timelines or even our own expectations. Life doesn’t always unfold in predictable ways and that’s okay. It’s in these moments of unpredictability that we often find the most valuable lessons and growth. Patience is key when navigating periods of uncertainty, as is the ability to trust that, even when things seem unclear, we are exactly where we need to be.

The Unseen Struggle

At the end of the day, life is not a race. It’s a unique journey that unfolds at its own pace. The pressure to have everything “figured out” by 21 - or any age - can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. However, when we take a step back and view life as a journey rather than a race, we can free ourselves from the constraints of time and comparison. Identity is not something we must rush to define; it’s something we continuously uncover through a life of experiences, growth and self-reflection.

Embracing the fluid nature of identity, practicing self-compassion and releasing the pressure of external expectations allows us to experience life with more peace and clarity. 

It’s ok not to have all the answers right now.  It’s okay to take your own time. It’s okay to be on a path of self discovery. What matters is learning to love yourself through the journey, accepting the highs and lows, your weaknesses and strengths and everything in between.  By embracing this mindset, we can reduce the anxiety that comes from feeling “behind” or ‘not enough’ and allow ourselves the freedom to grow, evolve and truly flourish.

Cherie has over 25 years experience and is a holistic therapist based on the Gold Coast, Australia. She provides holistic wellbeing services online across Australia & Internationally.